The Great British bake off is once again here to give the oppressed
masses something to talk about that isn't how terrible the summer has been thus
far. 12 unremarkable souls will battle each other with flour, eggs and deadly
whisk for supremacy of the oven.
And the British public will not be denied this glorious, gladiatorial spectacle; songs of
victories and valiant defeats will be sung at watering holes the country over
for generations or at least until the show’s nauseating 12 week run is over.
So if you've never seen an episode or like me don't intend
to ever again, here are 10 things that will definitely probably happen during
the course of the season:
1) More pastry related puns than you could shake cinnamon
stick at.
2) The contestants will complain about a surprise
heat wave in the middle of summer which is not that much of a surprise it being,
you know, summer.
3) A tiny incident, blown completely out of
proportion by the twitterati demanding satisfaction, will over shadow all and
any important current events. Last year the “freezer debacle” came close to bringing down civilisation as we know it, this year my money is on “mild racism.”
4) Some dribbling off-wit will undoubtedly start a
petition to bring back a favourite after they've been kicked off the show for
their part in the above mentioned incident (mild racism).
5) A contestant will be brought to tears.
6) Mel will reference her love of eating cake at
which point Sue will punch her in the face repeatedly until she passes out, pause
for a standing ovation arms raised in , then stamp on her head for good measure.
7) Mary Berry will have to be reminded it’s Tuesday,
she’s on the telly and the marques is not the nursing home her relatives have
abandoned her to. Is that ageist? (Tina has mild to severe ageism in the Da
Costa household betting pools.)
8) The words, “That’s a good bake,” will be uttered.
9) Paul Hollywood will finally tell Mary Berry of
his feelings for her and in a teary eyed “Lady in Red” moment fall to one knee
and beg for her hand in marriage.
10) The BBC will introduce 'Game of Thrones' style trials by combat to resolve draws and test the contestants metal.
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